I know I know, 

I was coming to hit you with the misery of yachting. Before we get to the disaster side of Cuba as promised dear friends, allow me to introduce some of the cogs and grease that allows basic trade in a communistic setting. Where a system with a population of a million means two million police, one needs to tread softly. At any point one random individual can collapse weeks of preparation. Causing $7000 worth of food to sit and rot at the customs office. Add to this the retard comprehensive abilities of a soap dish intellect in the form of our Bouffe headed Capt Boo Boo and the improbable fast becomes the impossible. 

There are two simple sides to this weathered coin of trade in such an economic setting. One side black as death in the form of illegal evil capitalism. The other side blood red in the form of Castro's communism and the thin white line side holding the two together in the form of bureaucracy. The grease than can lubricate and sway decision making of either side. When it comes to getting something done in Cuba one has no choice but to toss this obtuse coin of trade high and mighty to the air, watching as it spins end over end, giving equal chance to which ever transaction you will need to openly and willing accepted when it lands.

                                                                                  

In the red corner weighing in at 140lb, The master of paper shuffling word play and social standing. A man that demands respect, Yachting Pages champion of choice... Our white light and persistent person of Mega yacht power,.... Placido!

Yaaaaaaayyyy!!!

aaaand in the black corner weighing in at 220lb. The knight of darkness, with a finger in every pie,. A master who's name you forget as soon as its spoken. The shadow of shadows. All roads of commerce lead to the one and only go getter. The great....Guerrilla!

Yaaaaaaaayyy!!!

On the red side of the coin, working in our favor with bleeding fingers to bring about a successful conclusion to all our whims. May I introduce  Placido. Placido is your above board man in Cuba. Also the only man of use I might add!  An obvious open respect follows him where ever he goes, offered from policing officials right across the board. At one stage he snuck Cloggie, Supa stew our cuban driver and myself into a sold out open air jazz festival finale past armed guards, under the pretense of VIP's. He would stand at customs for hours, usually days wielding his sword of paper work, arguing, bargaining, pressuring officials until our provisions cleared. A process that took up to four days often.

 If you are a captain heading to Cuba, don't be a "Capt Boo Boo". Embrace the man and all he has to offer. With out him the success of our plastic wedding cake monstrosity of a yacht being the first in Cuban history to pull off a provisioning import, twice, (i might add) would not have been a reality.

Yes dear friends, thats right, Captain Bouffe headed Boo Boo goes and gets involved. You see people my beloved Captain Boo Boo blocked my relationship with this man from the get go, before we even left Key West infact. Claiming he wasn't the man in Cuba. (Like the fool would know)

"Please, oh please Master Boo Boo, may I still have his contact details regardless. As a back up plan, a reference, a source of information above and beyond your tiny brains reckoning" (not an accurate quote but you get my drift)....but no.

What would the only Cuban yachting agency know about the requirements of say..... yachts in Cuba!? 

(I refrained from pointing out the obvious to Boo Boo with a range of crayon colored diagrams and sunny day pictures, but oh how I wish I had) 

No, he claims.  We shall use people of his choosing regardless of what UK suppliers, the Yachting Pages and his own chef say on the topic of provisioning. 

(I smell a Boo Boo coming on, mmm hmmm, don't you) 

After struggling with capt Boo Boo for two weeks and a dozen dead ends, I finally get hold of Placido's contact details, not from King Boo Boo himself but from a supplier in the UK and finally begin the process of importing into a communist country for our 6 week stay. Long story short Placido became our man, our light, our savour.

 He saves our arse and with no help from us.

 Regardless captain Boo Boo refused to use him for all the reasons one might use a yachting agent for say, guest drivers, crew cars, entry to Havana hotspots, all out of obvious pride and all resulting in their own mini ramifications, gradually building on each other. Placido saves our arse but capt Boo Boo's social retardation prevents us from throwing him a bone! I will not go into dull details now, but at a later date (if  dull details is what you care for) So for now lets just say it leaves me frustrated, embarrassed and the knock on effect of bouffe head pride leads to  an aggressive stand off between a towering six foot three Boo Boo and myself on shore in front of Cuban authorities All as a result of failed to arrive guest taxi's and the lack of his creative ability for him to correct the problem. It signifies the beginning of the end for us. 

As you can see to play above board wasn't always a successful option. On occasion one slinks to the shadows where deals are made under the cloak of darkness. When all else fails, Guerrilla is your soldier of the night. Every person we asked about getting this done or that done directed us in one direction.... 

All roads lead to Guerrilla. 

Apprehensive at first, we soon found Guerrilla resourceful and a useful tool. Don't get me wrong, Guerrilla will talk it up to milk a better price, why wouldn't he. So be shrewd, even though it isn't your money. How it works in Cuba is every item grown, delivered and passed on to the people is, in its way, accounted for. What Guerrilla is, is a seasoned social butterfly. He knows everybody. The Farmers, the workers, the delivery truck drivers, the five star hotel staff and unloaders right through to the chefs. You want something, all he needs is one contact in his chain of supply to cough up the goods on its way to the five start hotels and then its yours.

Respect to da bruvvar... No! 

Cunningly resourceful...yes!

" No problem my friend, I get you what ebvar you need. Pish, cigar, good quality, fresh. You buy in town you get bad deal. No good. You know, I know everybody, I give good price. You want cigar from Castro’s private stash, this I can do. No problem, what ebvar you want my friend” 

Regardless of the fact that Castro quit smoking in 1985 most of Guerrilla's claims rang true. Shhhh though, I promised to him not to say a word, its his balls on the line and the balls of his family, this is real, this is his reality, respect that!!! You go to Cuba, you keep quiet. Guerrilla will find you and when he does...

 tell him I said hi, would you!?

So in between the sides of this coin of red and black is the white line of beaocracy that everyone crosses to get by and get a little extra out of life. Its also the white line that can take you down. People have been jailed for less in Cuba. As they say one million people and two million police, one must regard every set of eyes as a reason to implement caution. It is a system once you step back and see the enormity of Communism, you can see it for the grand achievement it is. Its only failure being to keep up with the system of capitalism. A system no less corrupt, confining but at least offering a thin democratic fine print of choice, though often it doesn't seem the case. 

So these are our pieces in play sweet people. Details you need to know before I drag you down into the nightmare that is the weeks to follow. Stray dogs, a string of resignations, cigars, rhum and salsa. An Island paradise and no day off on the horizon to be seen. So for now allow me to leave you before  the string of misery I promised in the last blogg begins.

So go put the kettle on, put your feet up and settle back into your favorite chair. I'll be back soon enough to drag my fingernails down the blackboard of "Super Yachting". Faster than you can say...

"Our Polish chief stewie Zuzia is making a pass at the captain for crew political immunity"

 until then

Ciao, Tschüse, Doei 

"There are some moments in life when the only possible option is to lose control"

Brida